Complex

“How are your flashbacks?

Do you get any headaches?

Nightmares?

Anxiety? Depression?”

As a child I would reenact the trauma.

I took her place

And Michelle went and told Mom

I was dead. Mom slapped us both.

And told us she loved us.

“No, not any flashbacks

But I do remember

Events that happened

Pretty often”

I can see him on the bed

There’s a bottle in his hand

And with the other

He motions for me to sit next to him

I don’t remember the rest.

“I generally have a good memory

And so when I get sad,

Usually I have a reason

So I let myself cry. It’s not depression.”

I am twelve. I am dishonored by my parents

So I go downstairs

And take enough ibuprofen

To make the heartache go away.

I wake up in the morning, vomiting blood.

“I don’t have nightmares

Anymore.

I repress them with cannabis and

Keep my dreams at bay.”

I am five, being crushed by King Kong

I can see myself in his foot print.

Last night, I dreamed I killed someone

In Self-Defense.

I still see his eyes in shock.

“I still have anxiety

I am very hypervigilant

Always on guard.

I use headphones to help reduce distractions.”

I finished cleaning the TV room

And went and played with my toys

Dad got angry and yelled at me

“When you finish, you ask for an inspection and another task!”

I think I am six. I can still see the anger on his face.

“It sounds like you were

Enmeshed. And that while

You don’t have acute symptoms,

You still have emotional responses.”

I am sixteen. It is Thanksgiving.

I drove home from Michigan

And car followed me off the highway

I am mugged at knifepoint.

I haggle them down to $50.

“Yeah, I didn’t realize

That they were doing a trauma inventory

I’m not surprised that it came back

As me having trauma diagnosis.”

I am thirteen. My dad electrocutes himself and says

“Son of a Bitch!” I say, “Present!”

My mom tries to slap me. But I catch her hand.

She tries to slap me with the other, but I catch that, too.

She tackles me to the ground, as I laugh and laugh.

"I will prescribe these for you

And suggest therapy.

Have you heard of EMDR?

it is helpful with complex trauma."

You can’t hurt me anymore.

I crawled deep inside of myself.

I live in castles unseen to the eye

Locked away in tall towers

Keeping my hair to myself.